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Keep The Peace And Love The One You’re With: A Little Advice I’ve Learned From Relationships

I currently reside “part-time” with my boyfriend.  I do try to stay at home with my family more, but the problem I’ve run into is that he lives so dern far away!  I do understand that this is not a good reason to “move-in” with someone; just because they live far.  But really, that’s not the only reason.  I love to spend time with him and I’m one of those people when I’m in a relationship, “I disappear into the person I love” (as the word-smith Elizabeth Gilbert puts it).  Hey, I know the experts say it’s not the most healthy thing to do, and I still maintain my individuality and sense of self, but I have come to accept the fact that I just love to have my love around all the time.

There are a few other reasons I do not wish to mention on here, but just know that I’m not (or try not to be) one of those clingy people or “living” with him out of convenience (heck, my school and friends live about 20 miles away!).  And this blog really isn’t supposed to be about the reasons I live or don’t live with my boyfriend.  As I finally get to it, this blog is about a few helpful tips I’ve found to keep the peace, what not to do while arguing with a significant other, and things that I believe are essential to do to maintain a healthy, exciting relationship when you live with your love (married or not).

…Come to think of it, some of this advice is for those who don’t live together also.

Things NOT To Do While Arguing

• Run Away – This one has bit me bad.  I am notorious for running away from problems (I’m sure it didn’t begin in relationships) and let me tell you – it solves nothing!  In fact, it usually makes the problem worse.  Instead of running away like a jerk (yea, you’re a jerk; heh), if you find yourself needing to get away so you can collect yourself and calm down, go into another room or take a walk around the block!  This will save many unnecessary ill feelings.  Afterall, what is a person to think about their “other” when they run away during minor arguments?
• Attack a Person’s Character – As I have learned in my Ethics class, attacking a person’s character rather than focusing on the issue at hand is called an Ad Hominem Fallacy.  This fallacy hurts your case rather than make it stronger.  Is your side of the argument even valid?  If so, why do you have to tell the other person how stupid they are, or how psycho, or yadda yadda?  Is it because they have valid points that you just can’t argue with?  Instead of taking the name-calling route, why not think about it and be willing to say “You’re right.”  HUH!  I know!  Such a nasty concept!!  But trust me, admitting when you’re wrong (if you really are) can save a relationship.
• LISTEN! - ARGH!  Nothing is more frustrating to me when a significant other doesn’t listen to the WHOLE of what you’re saying or doesn’t take the time to try and understand what you’re saying (the true meaning).  Do not take one sentence that you hear and center the argument around that.  We often say stupid things that perhaps aren’t worded correctly or that we don’t mean during a heated argument (because we don’t take the time to gather our thoughts).  You should not take one or two sentences and twist them around to make the argument into something it isn’t.  Listen to your significant other’s whole argument and chances are that you’ll be able to understand the true meaning/intent of that sentence that stuck out in your mind.

Keeping the Peace

• Pick-up Your Mess – Yes, this may sound “mom-ish”, but afterall, mum’s are usually right, right?  I don’t know about you, but I am a generally messy person.  All my life I’ve heard this saying (family, friends, and boyfriends).  I do sincerely feel bad about my inability to throw things away OR put things away, and I want to, but I honestly believe this is a part of my personality.  Afterall, I am an artist.  Sorry, it’s one of our traits (haha).  However, this is really not an excuse.  When you’re with someone, you need to be respectful enough and pick up after yourself.  Put your dishes in the sink after you use them, look at your mail and do something with it (don’t let it pile up on the dinner table), clean up your art supplies after you use them.  This will help your significant other AND you keep your sanity.  I fully believe what they say, that a cluttered space creates a cluttered mind.
• Compromise – Be willing and ready.  It sucks not to get your way, but if your world is all about YOU and your wants/needs, why are you with someone in the first place?  We need to compromise in SO many aspects of our lives, and relationships are not excused from that.  I am not saying that you should compromise important things such as your beliefs, virtues, and sense of self.  That is a big DON’T in relationships.  What I’m talking about is going to their friend’s party even if you don’t feel like it or watching a movie your love has been DYING to see but it’s just not your kind of flick.  Who knows?  You may even end up liking it!  Of course, there may be some bigger compromises (especially concerning money), but we all need to make sacrifices and a compromise is usually for the better of BOTH of you as a couple.

How to Maintain a Healthy, Exciting Relationship (in addition to all of the things I’ve said previous)

• Put Away the Electronics – I have found this to be huge!  My boyfriend and I both have laptops and unfortunately keep them in the living room.  We are ALWAYS on them (doing work, “Facebooking”, playing games, doing homework)…and it’s just not good!  I believe they take away quality time that could be spent with each other.  We are distracted and yea, perhaps we’ll make comments here and there, but we always have something else occupying our thoughts.  My advice: keep laptops/computers isolated to one area that ISN’T your main hang-out room (and don’t make that room your main room!).  I also believe it’s important to keep phones, computers, and maybe even the television out of the bedroom (although I do love me telie when falling asleep).  Your bedroom is a sanctuary and needs to be treated as one.
• Date Nights - I have heard, read, and now am writing about how crucial date nights are for a relationship.  We all get caught up in our busy lives and can often have trouble finding time for one another.  This is why I believe it is a very smart thing to talk with your loved one and figure out a day/night at least once a week where it’s all about each other.  You can go out, stay in, eat the night away, visit a beach, go sledding, ANYTHING!  As long as it’s together and you two are communicating.  This will refresh the relationship, bring you two closer, and give you something to look forward to each week.  How exciting!

This is by no means a full list of the plethora of advice you can get from books, magazines (although I often question those Cosmo articles…), internet, television and friends (come to think of it, all of these things you should question, haha).  This advice is just a tit-bit of info I have collected over the years.  I may be only 23, but I think most of you can agree with me on these things.

Another piece of advice I think is CRUCIAL in relationships is to have God as your foundation and at the center of your relationship.  Through Him, all things are possible and life is SO much more joyous!

Do you agree with me about my “relationship advice”?  What can you add to help our readers live happily with the one they love??

About the Author

People Magazine’s 100 Most Beautiful People of 2008